


Begin Again

by pipermack



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:38:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pipermack/pseuds/pipermack
Summary: Olivia is just trying to get some work done. A familiar face and familiar emotions make that difficult.Set several months after Undiscovered Country.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally just an angsty excerpt of an idea I had bause I enjoy pain. I may expand upon it in the future, who knows?

Olivia sighs as she approaches Forlini’s. She shouldn’t be so surprised that Peter chose this place to meet. It’s close to the courthouse and has good food and a quiet atmosphere. It’s perfect for working on their case. But still, this had been _their_ spot. She tended to avoid it as much as possible because it made avoiding her feelings that much easier.

Still, she’d finally agreed to meet Stone here, so she quickens her step slightly and ducks into the bar. The sooner she can get out of this, the sooner she can go home to Noah and continue pretending to forget that her once best friend had so effortlessly forgotten her. 

She steps into the bar and finds Stone in a booth. At least he’d stop sitting in _his_ spot. She slides in, orders her usual, and they set to work going over details for their case. Though the first few weeks had admittedly been rocky, they can work together now with what Live describes as a “comfortable coldness.” 

They get the job done, at least. 

They’re about an hour in when Peter looks past Olivia’s shoulder and his eyes go wide. “You know, we can probably finish this tomorrow morning,” he says, looking back to her with an unreadable expression. 

She raises an eyebrow. “What? But we’re—“ She hears a familiar voice then, calling to the bartender, and she pauses. Stone looks at her almost... sheepishly? It’s not a good look on him. Liv sets her jaw and finally looks over her shoulder. And when she sees him, time seems to slow down. 

Olivia had realized she was in love with Rafael far too late. The day he told her she brought color to his life is what had cemented it. But by then he moved on. From the DA’s office, from the city, from _her_. He stopped answering texts. His phone went right to voicemail. And so she moved on too. They all moved on. Or they tried to, at least. 

But now, staring at Rafael Barba as he settles into his usual spot in their usual bar... it all comes flooding back. The friendship, the love, and the hurt. 

Mostly the hurt. 

She looks back to Stone and nods. “Tomorrow then,” she says. “Um... thanks.” It’s only when she’s sliding out of the booth that she realizes with dread she’ll have to settle her bill at the bar. Any hope for slipping out unnoticed flies out the window. So after taking a moment to ready herself, she steps up to the other end of the bar from him and waves down the bartender. 

He doesn’t notice her right away, and she thinks maybe she’ll be able to make a getaway after all when the bartender returns her card and the receipt. “You have a nice evening, Miss Benson,” he says kindly. “It’s good seeing you again.” 

She gives a tight-lipped smile and nods once, and she can feel his eyes boring into her then. She turns to leave anyway, tries to pretend she doesn’t notice him and hurries outside when a hand catches her elbow from the door. 

“Liv.” 

Olivia sighs and stops in her tracks. She turns to face him and a lump swells in her throat immediately. “Rafael.” 

It’s silent between them for a moment, uncomfortable. And then he steps out after her and it’s just them on the sidewalk, and he’s _staring_ at her, and she doesn’t know whether to hit him or hug him. 

“So... you’re back,” she finally says awkwardly. 

“I’m— yeah, I’m back,” he says. “I... I’m sorry.” 

Liv huffs and rolls her eyes. “‘Sorry?’ That’s it? That’s all I get?” 

Rafael frowns and rubs the back of his neck. “I meant to call you. I just— I had to—” 

“I know,” Olivia interjects, and she can’t help the bitterness that seeps into her words. “You had to deal with what happened. You had to come to terms with it. I know that. I just... You said you had to move on, Rafael, but I didn’t think that meant from...” she hesitates. 

She wants to say “From me, from the people who care about you, from everything you said and everything we could have had. You can’t just tell someone they changed your life and then leave, you moron!” 

What she says instead is, “From... everything.” 

Rafael frowns. “I never meant to hurt you,” he says, and damn him for being able to read her like an open book. He takes a step closer, puts a hand on her arm. “It’s the last thing I ever wanted.” 

Olivia huffs. "Look, I can take it,” she says, shaking his hand off. She tries not to notice the hurt that flashes across his face. “I'm a big girl and I can handle heartache. You had to move on and so did I." She shoves her hands in her pockets and scowls. "But I'm not the only one you hurt." 

"Liv, I--" 

"Stop. Just... For once, Rafael, listen." She sighs and watches him for a moment as he ducks his head. She vaguely wonders if that’s shame that crosses his face, but she doesn’t spend too long on the thought. 

It's hard to look at him now, this man who used to be her best friend, but a million thoughts and possibilities flit across her mind and she finds it even more difficult to look away. 

The words come then, before she can stop them. "You left all of us,” she says. “The team, your family... Rafa, you hurt us. That includes my son." 

Rafael snaps his head up, starts to say something when Olivia shakes her head. "Don't," She cautions. Her voice comes out little more than a whisper now, trying her best to press on despite the lump in her throat. "My son, my _whole world_ , asked if Uncle Rafa was mad at him and that's why we couldn't see him anymore. And when I told him no, that sometimes people just have to go away for a little while, my six year old son looked at me and he told me it was okay, that he was used to it now. And that broke my heart more than you disappearing ever did." 

Rafael sets his jaw and Olivia can see tears shining in his eyes, and her first instinct is to comfort him, but she squashes it immediately. "I... I'm sorry, Olivia," he says again, and she can hear his voice on the edge of breaking. "I never meant--" 

"I know you didn't," she interjects. "And I know it wasn’t about me, but that's what happened. I’ll recover eventually. So will my team. But my son? That's going to take a lot of work." 

She swipes at her eyes angrily, mentally cursing herself for breaking like this. “I have to go,” she finally says. “Welcome back, I guess.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia is interrupted at work once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the positive feedback! I wasn’t intending to continue this, but here we are... I guess I might keep coming back to this as bits and pieces of story ideas come to me!

The next day finds Olivia walking into the precinct a bit surlier than usual. She hadn’t slept well the night before, her mind restless with memories and hypotheticals. She barely acknowledges her team as she stalks into her office. She’s just hanging up her coat and bag when she hears a knock at the door. 

“Morning Liv,” comes Fin’s voice. He hesitates at the door and Olivia looks up with a sigh. 

“Morning, Fin,” she greets as she sits. Fin steps into the office but still looks a bit unsure. She’s known him long enough to know he’s biting his tongue. “What?” She asks in exasperation. 

Fin shrugs. “Just... You okay?” 

Liv sighs. “That obvious, huh?” Fin nods. He comes further in and drops into the chair in front of her desk, looking at her expectantly. Liv sighs again and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Ra—Barba is back in town,” she says. “Ran into him last night.” 

“Oh damn,” Fin says, wincing slightly. “How uh... is he? How are you?” 

Liv shrugs. “I’ll live,” she says. “It just threw me for a loop, y’know?” 

He nods. “I get it. Just wanted to check in.” 

Olivia looks up at her friend and smiles softly. “Thank you. Now get to work, huh?” 

It’s then that they hear Carisi greeting someone excitedly, and Olivia sighs. “Will you go —” she grumbles, waving towards the disruption. 

Finn nods. “I got it,” he says. He turns to leave and Liv starts going through the stack of files on her desk when she hears Fin again. 

“Oh, shit.” 

Liv sighs as she thumbs through her papers. “Fin? What’s—” 

“Good morning to you too, sergeant.” 

Liv snaps her head up. Just outside her office, she can see Fin blocking the doorway into Liv’s office, barring Rafael Barba from entering. 

“Liv’s busy,” Fin says. She almost smiles at that. 

“I’ll be quick,” Rafael replies. He looks past the sergeant and makes eye contact with Olivia, and the corner of his mouth turns up, a hint of a smile playing at his lips. 

She hates that stupid smirk. She hates that she fell in love with it, with him, in the first place. She hates that it always set her heart into her throat, and that it elicits the same response now. 

She should tell him to go screw himself, but she basically said just that the previous night and yet here he is at her door, with that stupid, insufferable smirk, and two cups of coffee in hand. 

“It’s okay Fin,” she calls, despite her better judgement. 

Fin hesitates for a moment before finally stepping aside, and Rafael walks past him into the office, pushing the door closed behind him. He holds a cup out to Liv with that same half smirk. And how dare he, she thinks. How dare he stroll in here with coffee for her, in a nice suit and gentle smile, like nothing had changed between them? 

She eyes him for a moment then give in and takes the cup, taking a log sip and setting it in front of her. It gives her a moment of distraction from the well-dressed man in front of her, brief as it may be. “What are you doing here?” she finally asks with a sigh. 

“Making amends with _la familia_ ,” he says. “And with you. Hopefully.” He fidgets with his tie for a moment and stands at her desk awkwardly until Liv finally gives in and gestures to the chairs in front of her desk. He sits and smooths down his tie, and clears his throat. “I didn’t get a chance to explain myself,” he says, “or apologize properly.” 

“You don’t need to explain, Rafael,” Liv says. 

“Yes, clearly I do,” he argues. “Look, Liv... You were right. Me leaving wasn’t about you. It wasn’t about the team or my job or even the Householders. It was about me.” He frowns slightly and watches her. “I was selfish, Liv. I hurt the people I care about because of some self-imposed penance, and I can never take that back. But I am sorry, for all of it.” 

Liv had taken to playing with her coffee cup when Rafael starts apologizing. She looks at him when he pauses then, and he seems to shrink under her gaze. 

“I’m sorry,” he continues, “for what I did, I’m sorry for how I left, and I’m sorry for the pain, for the... the heartache that I caused you. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it.” 

And there her heart goes, falling in love with him all over again. Damnit. 

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re dramatic?” she asks. 

Rafael chuckles softly. “I’m Cuban. It’s in my blood.” 

Olivia smiles softly. She missed this, talking to him. 

Just... being around him. She missed it more than she realized. 

“You don’t have to keep apologizing,” she says then. “I was angry and I was caught off guard and I wasn’t very fair to you. So I’m sorry, too.” 

“ _You’re_ apologizing to _me_?” Rafael huffs out a laugh. He’s silent for a moment then, and Olivia recognizes the look that crosses his face. He’s trying to find the exact right words to use. “Look, you’re really important to me, Olivia. And I do want to chance to make this right. So would it be okay if I took you to dinner this week?” He asks. “I understand if it’s too soon but... Maybe we can just... play catch up? Clear the air?” 

Olivia considers him for a moment. She really should tell him no, she thinks. She should take more time to process this, to get her emotions in check. But then she’s nodding before she can really think about it. “Yeah,” she says. “I think... I think that would be good.” 

Rafael breaks into a grin. “Good,” he replies. He stands and smooths a hand down his vest, nodding. “Why don’t you, um, text me when you’ve got some time. I’ll reply this time, I promise.” 

Liv smiles despite herself and nods. “Okay,” she replies. “I’m counting on it.” 

Rafael smiles at her again then nods, and takes his leave. As soon as he’s gone, Fin steps into the office again. “Everything good?” He asks. “What was that about?” 

Liv just smiles. “Making amends.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What’s a little dinner between... friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this for sure got away from me. I didn’t plan for this to be longer than the first chapter, and I DEFINITELY didn’t mean for the third chapter to get this long. That being said, this is definitely the last chapter in this fic. Who knows though, I may write a follow up one-shot someday!
> 
> Also, big thanks to theoofoof for helping me nail down which way to take this!

[Hi] 

[Hi yourself. Qué tal?] 

[So Noah is having a sleepover with Jessie and Amanda on Friday. If you’re free, I’ll have time to take you up on that dinner...?]. 

[Friday is perfect. How does 7 at Annisa sound?] 

[Sounds like you already made the reservation.] 

[I plead the 5th.] 

[Lol. Well it sounds great. See you then.] 

It had been two days since Rafael reappeared when Olivia texted him, and two days after that they’ve been seated at a quiet table in one of the most romantic restaurants in New York. 

Life has a funny way of working out. 

As the waiter leaves with their drink orders, Rafael clears his throat and straightens the silverware next to his plate. He’s nervous, Olivia realizes. Maybe as much as she is. 

The whole way to the restaurant, she kept thinking that maybe this dinner was a mistake, that she wasn’t ready to dive headfirst into being his friend again. She was still hurt and she was still worried that maybe he wouldn’t show up. Maybe this wasn’t for real. But then she saw him standing there looking handsome as ever, smiling as she approached, and her fears melted away. 

She hates that he has that effect on her. Or… maybe she doesn’t. 

“So...” he starts. “What, um, have you been up to? How’s the squad?” 

She smiles. “We’re good,” she replies. “I mean, you know the job. But all things considered, we’ve been… alright.” 

The waiter comes back with their drinks and takes their orders, and Olivia looks to Rafael again. “What about you?” she asks. “How um… have you been?” 

Rafael smiles. “Well, I’m doing just fine,” he says. “I wasn’t for a long time. But things shifted back into perspective. And, in the interest of clearing the air, being here with you makes it easier too.” 

Olivia blushes and she smiles softly. She can’t help the way her heart quickens at the statement. “I can’t say I disagree,” she offers. Rafael clears his throat as a blush tints his cheeks as well, and perhaps he can’t help it either. 

“Speaking of clearing the air…” Rafael fiddles nervously again. “I guess, if there’s anything you want to know, ask away.” 

Liv raises her eyebrows. “Getting right into it, huh?” 

He shrugs. “The sooner we get it out of the way, the sooner we can…” 

“Move forward?” 

He nods, and Liv furrows her brow. She’d played through this scenario in her head several times, and even more so in the last couple days. She’d thought about what she would say if she ever saw him again, if she would chew him out or ignore him or kiss him… She didn’t like to think about that last one. Often. 

She’s silent for another moment as she thinks, then settles on the first thing she wants to know. “So, where were you?” 

“Here, at first,” Rafael replies without hesitation. “I stayed in the city for a few weeks. Sulked around until my mother talked some sense into me.” 

“You were here?” Olivia frowns. He’d barely spoken to her in the days after he left her in front of the courthouse, and soon after had stopped responding altogether. She’d assumed he’d left town right away, but knowing he’d been here at first and still managed to isolate himself… it stings. 

Rafael nods. “I was. I holed up in my apartment. I guess I was nervous to face the world. But then my mother sort of dragged me out of hiding. All but forced me on a plane.” 

“To Miami, right?” Rafael looks at Liv quizzically and she shrugs. “I ran into her once, about two months after. She mentioned you were visiting family, soaking up some sun.” 

He rolls his eyes. “Of course she did,” he says. “Well, that’s… accurate. I stayed with my cousins, spent a lot of time on the beach, and I got involved in some volunteer work after a while to keep myself occupied.” 

“Volunteer work?” 

“Yeah, my cousin Connie runs a victims advocacy group.” He smiles softly at the thought. “I’m sure that’s part of why my mother was adamant about my visit.” 

Olivia raises her eyebrows. “Victims advocacy?” she asks. 

“What, is that surprising?” 

She shakes her head. “No, the opposite actually. It seems like a great fit.” 

Rafael smiles again. “It... it was tough work, but it was good. Not as intense as being an ADA. I had time to relax. Take care of myself.” 

“Gain some perspective?” 

He nods. “Exactly. Oh! And I almost forgot. I picked up a little souvenir for _mi amiguito_. If that’s okay.” 

Olivia frowns slightly. Everything she’d told him about Noah the other night had been true, including that it would take more work for him to be alright, even if the boy wasn’t aware. “I’ll… give it to him,” she says tentatively. 

“Of course,” Rafael says in a way that sounds like he’s hiding disappointment. “I understand. For what it’s worth, I am sorry. I didn’t mean for him to get hurt too.” 

“I know.” Liv reaches across the table and pats his hand gently, and then rests it on top of his. “It’s just… Between Ed last year and everything that happened with Shiela, and whatever she told him about Ellie, just… I don’t want him to be used to the idea that people leave. And I need to trust that you’re not going to… ‘move on’ from us again.” 

He nods again. He gently squeezes Liv’s hand then pulls back as the waiter brings their food. When he leaves, Rafael looks up at Olivia. “I’m not,” he says. “Moving on, I mean. The work I was doing was… it was rewarding, and it was important, but I realized I couldn’t stay away forever.” 

“What brought on that realization?” Olivia asks. 

He watches her intently for a moment and for once, Olivia can’t read his expression. It’s like he’s trying to figure out an intense puzzle. “I… got a job,” he finally says. He watches her for a moment longer before turning his attention to his food. 

“Oh? With...?” 

“Not with the DA,” he says with a soft smile. “Jack McCoy would love to have me back but… I can’t go back there. I was actually brought on as an advocate with Safe Horizon. I’ll be helping victims of sexual violence and working to reform legislation.” 

Olivia raises her eyebrows again. “Rafael, that’s… That’s amazing,” she says. Her heart takes off again at the idea of working with him again, even in a small capacity. Whether it’s excitement or anxiety, she isn’t quite sure. 

He smiles bashfully and shrugs. “Thanks,” he says. “I’m just happy to be home, and doing something meaningful.” 

“I’ll bet.” Olivia smiles at him again and sighs some. “I....” She has something else that has been nagging at her since the day he left, but she knows that if she opens that can of worms, she can’t close it again. 

“Yes?” When she stays silent, Rafael reaches for her hand again. “Clearing the air, remember? I’ll tell you any detail you want. I owe you that, at least.” 

Olivia sighs again. He’s right, she knows it. If she doesn’t get it out of the way now, it’ll always hang between them. “That day you left... You remember what you said to me?” 

Rafael pulls his hand back then and frowns. “Every word. And I meant every word of it, too.” 

Olivia furrows her brow. “I guess I just want to know why.” 

“Why?” 

“Why you said all of that, about how I changed your world, and then just... left. I thought...” She shakes her head. Tonight is not a night for those confessions. Not on one glass of wine, anyway. “I don’t get why you made a point to say goodbye to me with this whole speech and then just disappeared.” 

“Dramatic Cuban, remember?” Rafael replies lamely. When she doesn’t respond to his joke, he sighs again. He watches her for another moment with that same intensity as before, then takes a deep breath and shakes his head slightly. “I just... needed you to know how much you mean to me, Liv. I didn’t know if I’d see you again.” 

“Oh.” She tries to hide her disappointment with a smile. “Okay. I guess I just... I thought you were going to say something else that day.” 

Rafael raises an eyebrow. “And what was it that you thought I’d say?” He asks, an amused smile spreading across his face. 

Olivia blushes slightly. “It’s nothing,” she says, waving him off. “I was wrong. Regardless, I appreciate the sentiment.” 

“Liv.” Rafael gives her an expectant look. “Clearing the air, remember?” 

Olivia sighs. He’s right, and she hates it. Maybe tonight is a night for those confessions. “I... I was in love with you, Rafael.” She watches his eyes go wide, but he remains silent, so she decides to go on. At least if she gets it out of the way now, they can move on. Move forward. 

“I didn’t know it until that day,” she continues. “There was a split second where I thought you were going to say it, and I realized I’d have said it back, and then the moment passed and you said you were moving on instead.” She shrugs, sipping from her water glass. “Like I said, I can handle a little heartache. You stopped answering me and so... I moved on too.” 

Rafael takes a deep breath and looks contemplative for a moment before shaking his head. 

“Liv...” 

“No, don’t do that,” Olivia interjects. “I don’t need your pity, Rafa. I know that it wasn’t reciprocated and I’ve gotten past it. I just... had to know.” 

“Olivia.” Rafael smiles and shakes his head again. “I’m... Look, I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life. Especially in the last few months. But the biggest regret I have is that I ever did anything to make you think that I haven’t been completely, head-over-heels in love with you from day one.” He reaches across the table and squeezes her hand softly. 

Olivia’s eyes go wide, and time seems to freeze like it did a few days ago. “You... what?” She asks breathlessly. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I should have told you sooner.“ 

She huffs out a chuckle and buries her face in her hands. “God, I can’t believe this,” she says. 

She hears Rafael chuckle once as well, and she looks up at him. They’re silent for a moment until the waiter comes back with their check. Rafael quickly takes it and when Olivia tries to argue, he waves her off. 

When the waiter is gone again, Olivia looks to Rafael. “Well? What do we do now?” 

He’s silent for a moment again, and looks at her like he’s considering something, until he frowns. “Was,” he says simply. 

“...What?” 

“You said ‘was’. You were in love with me. You’re not now?” 

Olivia frowns. She realizes he’s right, she had made that slip. “I...” she sighs, “Rafael, you hurt me,” she says. “I know it wasn’t intentional, but you did. And when I ran into your mother and she told me you’d left, I knew I had to move on. So I did. I took everything we had, or didn’t have, and I boxed it up. The friendship, the love, the hurt... I put it all away so I didn’t have to think about it. And now...” 

“You’re still unpacking it.” 

“I am. Or... I was.” Olivia sighs and folds her hands on the table in front of her. She watches him for a moment, this man who used to be her world. She hadn’t realized at the time how much she’d come to depend on him, how much of her heart he held, until he was gone. And now that he’s back, now that she knows it wasn’t one-sided, the hurt she’d felt starts to give way to something new. 

“Where do we go from here, Rafa?” 

He smiles at her, a genuine smile, the first she’s seen on him in months - even before his trial. “I would love nothing more than to give you the world, _preciosa_.” 

“But?” Olivia can hear it in his voice, a hesitation. 

“But...” he shrugs. “I think we should go slow. Start with our friendship, and see what happens after that.” 

Olivia smiles. “I think that sounds like a fine place to start,” she says, “Or...” 

“Or?” Rafael raises an eyebrow. 

She hesitates, a blush tinting her cheeks. Moving forward. Right. 

“Or, we can start with you walking me home, and me inviting you upstairs for coffee.” 

Rafael grins. “Sounds even better.” 

He stands and walks around to help Liv up, then offers her his arm as they walk out of the restaurant. The walk back to Olivia’s place is peaceful, the spring air pleasantly warm. They chat a bit, mostly about Rafael’s trip, until they get to Olivia’s building. 

“I’m glad we did this,” she says. 

“Me too,” he replies. “I honestly didn’t know if it would happen.” 

“Well it did,” Olivia replies. She drops her arm from his, but clasps their fingers together. “Do you want to come up? For coffee, of course.” 

“Oh, but of course,” Rafael teases. He smiles at Liv and squeezes her hand. “I would, but I’m afraid if I do, I won’t want want to leave.” 

Olivia sighs some. “Doesn’t sound so bad to me,” she says. 

Rafael smiles. He reaches up to brush a fallen strand of hair aside and starts to lean in, and Liv meets him halfway. They press their lips together in a soft kiss, Rafael’s hand cupping the side of Olivia’s face. She squeezes his hand, and her other reaches up to twist into the front of his shirt as she deepens the kiss 

When they finally break apart, Olivia laughs and rests her head against Rafael’s shoulder. 

He laughs as well, kissing the side of her head. “So?” He asks, wrapping his arms around her waist. “How about that coffee?”


End file.
